I rarely said 'I love you', and I didn't cry in front of him when he turned away.
He used to say that I looked too calm for everything, so he can't tell if I really cared.
I did, and I didn't tell him that because he was leaving.
Those memos I have were wrote during that time, when I got that fist-pump feeling in my chest so loud or I just can't stop smiling for something incredibly silly, I pen them down on a piece of paper, memos at most of time. It could be just a sentence or even just a word, but I will kept them in record because I was afraid that I will forget.
The temperature of his upper arm, texture of tatoo on the skin, the stupid laugh and sun-kissed afternoon in Italian restaurant drinking white wine, and those crying and heart break, there have been documented in here. A small piece of paper recorded those small things that crossed my mind at that moment.
My emotions became a huge piles of papers and memos lying in a box.
That is the real big reason why my project is called [ Narcissistic Disorder], not because there are my selfie inside ( that is part of unexpected development because my model is pregnant ) because all the words inside happened in my head at one time and I kept them in sentences like storage files in electronic bytes.
To form the poems, I took out all the memos and papers, stick them on the wall or place them on the floor and I just look closely to find the match for those sentence, put them together and smooth out the expression.
It takes many experiments to finally got my poems right as what I want them to be.
I do apologize that I can't hand in the paper copy of my development because they are very important to me, so I have took as many photos as I can.
